


Interplanetary Megastellar Hydrostatic

by eyeslikestarlight



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Heist, Homestuck Shipping World Cup, M/M, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2013-09-09
Packaged: 2017-12-26 01:44:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/960112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eyeslikestarlight/pseuds/eyeslikestarlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Marquise is one of the most feared ships in the galaxy, a veritable fortress amongst the stars known for its ruthless pillaging of the border planets. Not many have crossed paths with her or her fearsome captain and lived to tell the tale. Of course, that won’t stop your band of ragtag misfits from planning the most legendary heist this ‘verse has seen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Interplanetary Megastellar Hydrostatic

**Author's Note:**

> This was Team Eridan <3 Sollux's official Homestuck Shipping World Cup Round Two submission! The prompt for the round was "Genre Blending" so this fic is a blend of Sci-fi and a Heist...with a dash of piracy thrown in. 
> 
> The (BEAUTIFUL) art for this fic was all done by Mandee, AKA wwizarderi on tumblr.

The Marquise is one of the most feared ships in the galaxy, a veritable fortress amongst the stars known for its ruthless pillaging of the border planets. Not many have crossed paths with her or her fearsome captain and lived to tell the tale.

Of course, that won’t stop your band of ragtag misfits from planning the most legendary heist this ‘verse has seen.

Word is, Captain Serket’s uncovered the legendary treasures of Ahab, including a number of powerful weapons. She’s dangerous enough as it is, so of course it’d be absolutely irresponsible to let her keep them. Besides, there’s a beautiful rifle with your name on it.

Your name is First Officer Eridan Ampora, and you’re about to fuck shit up.

Captain Vantas is strapped in across from you, loudly restating the plan even though you’ve memorized it backwards and forwards by now. To your right is Leijon, and Zahhak across from her; the best fighters in Kar’s crew. Sollux is at the front of the tiny shuttle, piloting it towards the bottom of the enormous spacecraft.

“Remember Eridan, don’t shoot unless you have to. We’re trying to be sneaky, here.”

“I know,” you sigh, waving him off. “You’ve only told me about seventeen thousand times.”

“It takes that many times to get through that thick skull of yours,” Sollux comments dryly. You reach forward and swat his head.

“Enough foolishness,” Equius says. “We’ve arrived.”

As Sollux approaches the outer doors to the cargo bay, a robotic female voice asks for an access code. Sol responds with a string of numbers and letters, and the doors slide open. He pulls into The Marquise and sets the shuttle down among other small crafts and cargo.

A guard approaches the shuttle as the door opens and raises his blaster when he sees the crew inside. A moment later he’s knocked out on the ground with a hissing Nepeta on top of him. She swipes his keycard and tosses it up to Karkat, who hands it over to Sollux.

You lean on the back of his seat, looking over his shoulder as he does some techy thing to duplicate the keycard. “What would we do without our resident nerd?” you tease, watching him with more fondness than you’d care to admit.

“Crash and burn, obviously,” he replies. “Unlike if we lost you, ED. I think we’d do pretty okay.”

“Ouch,” you say, hand over heart. “You wound me, Sol.”

He spins the chair around, which throws off your balance for a moment. Nepeta giggles as you try to play it cool while Sollux just fixes you with a look and hands you a customized keycard.

“Seriously, ED. Don’t do something stupid and get yourself killed. FF would never let me hear the end of it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you say as everyone else gets their keycard. “I’ll be fine.”

Sollux crosses his arms. For a moment, you think you see _concern_ in his eyes, but then he’s just glaring. “I’m serious. Remember what happened last time?”

You flush slightly at the memory. Karkat gladly jumps in. “He’s right, Eridan. Follow my lead exactly or I swear to fuck I’ll cut off your bulge and shove it down your protein chute.”

You shoot Nepeta a pleading glance. “Nep, would you please tell them to stop gangin’ up on me?”

She just giggles again and freakin’ _cartwheels_ back off the shuttle. Showoff. Equius hops down after her, and Karkat follows with a, “Let’s go, Ampora.” Sollux swivels back around in his chair, pulling up maps on his screen and hacking the security cameras.

“I promise I’ll be careful,” you say sincerely, looking back at him. He glances over his shoulder at you, and for a moment...he smiles. You smile back, and there’s that weird feeling in your stomach. Then he gets to work and you leave him to it, exiting after Karkat.

There are no other guards in the cargo bay, but you still creep cautiously to the only door. Karkat swipes his keycard through the slot, and the door slides open.

Sol’s voice comes in through the chip in your ear, directing you: “KK and ED take the left hallway, NP and EQ to the right.” You all do as he says, silently nodding at Nep and Eq before parting ways.

The hallway you follow is narrow and seemingly deserted—until Sollux comes in again with, “Two men coming around the corner ahead.” Both blasters are out a second later, and the men are on the ground before they even knew what hit them. Of course, your blasters are only set to “stun” because your captain’s an honorable bastard who avoids killing as much as possible, even when it comes to the enemy.

“The passageway you want is ahead, to your right,” Sol says.

You frown, running your fingers over the smooth wall. “There’s no passageway here,” you protest.

“It’s behind a panel,” Karkat guesses.

“Bingo,” he gets in response.

You eye the wall dubiously as Karkat digs something out of his belt. “Why the hell would Vris put in a fuckin’ secret passageway in her own ship when there are people like us who could take advantage a’ it?”

“Captain Serket’s arrogant,” Karkat answers as he kneels down and starts to cut through the bottom with a thin laser beam. “Eridan, cover me.” You pull out your blaster again and turn around, checking the hallway as he works. “She put it in for her own use, and didn’t think anyone else would be clever enough to find it. Hell, she probably didn’t think anyone would be suicidal enough to attempt a heist on her ship at all.”

“An’ she was stupid enough to include it on the maps?” you ask, eyebrows raised.

“Of course not,” Sol replied. “I’m just fucking brilliant.”

“More like fucking obnoxious,” you counter.

“And you’re not?” he laughs. “Ask KK who’s worse and I guarantee he won’t say me.”

“You’re both fucking obnoxious, now shut the fuck up,” Karkat growls.

But Sollux doesn’t shut up, instead announcing: “ED, 3:00.” You spin to your right and shoot the guy a second before he could pull his own trigger.

“Shit, he saw us. They’re gonna know we’re here.” You look at Kar, who’s cut away most of the panel by now. “We should kill him. It’s safer.”

“We’re not killing anyone,” Karkat insists. “He probably doesn’t even know this passageway is here. He’s not gonna know where we went.”

You sigh but don’t say anything, deferring to your captain. It’s really hard, being such a good First Officer. It’s hard, and nobody understands.

Karkat peels back enough of the paneling that you can slip through, and he follows, then shuts it carefully and starts to reseal it. Naturally, the passageway is cramped, dark, and stifling. You curse the goddamn bodysuits you wear and the stupid half-cape thing you insist on adding.

“Cozy?” Sollux asks from his air-conditioned pilot’s seat.

“You’re a dick,” you accuse.

He laughs, the little shit. “You know ED, sometimes the things you say to me really warm the cockles of my heart.”

“Gee Sol, I wasn’t aware you had a heart,” you retort.

“I’m gonna kill you both,” Karkat vows as he straightens up, the entrance sealed tightly.

“Nah, I don’t think so,” Sol says.

“You love us too much,” you add.

He looks at you, feigning shock. “Did you two just agree on something? I never thought this day would come. Pinch me, Eridan, I’m dreaming.”

You ignore him, leading the way down the entirely-too-narrow passage. As you walk, Karkat switches on the communicator in his other ear and checks on Nep and Eq. Curious, you switch on your com and listen in.

There’s definitely sounds of fighting in the background, but Equius is talking over it. “This was to be expected,” he says, followed by a loud THWACK. “We can handle them.”

“Good to know. Contact me immediately if anything goes wrong. And I’d tell you to look after Nepeta, but…we both know it’s more likely that she’ll be looking after you.”

Another thud and a distant cry of pain, then Nepeta comes in with, “You’d better believe it!”

You both switch them off. Neither of you are worried; this was all part of the plan. They were sent in to divert the attention of Vriska’s crew and kick ass while you and Kar snuck through the ship to the actual treasure. There’s no question they can handle the attack—Equius is undoubtedly the strongest person you know, and Nepeta is a 10th degree black belt.

The passage is getting even smaller. Before long you have to start slouching to avoid hitting your head, then hunching over. Every now and then it twists and turns unexpectedly, and there are several different turnoffs that might lead you astray. Luckily, Sollux seems to have some secret blueprint, and he guides you in the right direction.

“It’s so fucking hot in here,” Karkat complains after a while.

"Sorry Kar." You can't resist. "It happens wherever I go. It's a curse."

"Oh yes," Sollux agrees. "It's true, KK. Sometimes I literally melt when he's near me."

“No one asked for your sarcasm, Sol.”

“Who said I was being sarcastic?”

You let out a short laugh. Behind you, Karkat grumbles about how much he hates you both.

“Hang on guys, EQ and NP need me. Be right back.” Sol shuts off the communicator then, leaving you alone with your captain.

“Eridan, this is getting ridiculous.”

You look back at him, causing you to hit your head on the ridiculously low ceiling. “What is?” you ask innocently as you rub your head.

Up ahead, there’s a fork in the passage. Great. You can’t go anywhere till Sollux comes back, so you sigh and crouch down, leaning against the wall and looking at Karkat again. He mimics you, although the look he’s giving you is a lot sterner.

“You know what I’m talking about. You and Sollux. It’s driving me absolutely bonkers.”

“Aw, come on. It’s not like it means anythin’. We just like havin’ a go at each other. It’s all in good fun.”

Karkat stares at you, eyebrows raised. “Eridan, you and Sollux flirt so much it’s sickening. I don’t understand why you won’t just admit that you’re in love with each other.”

You almost wish you had a glass of water, so you could take a sip then spit it out. “W-what?” you sputter. “In _love_ with each other? Please, Kar, that’s the most ridiculous thing I ever heard,” you deny, laughing nervously.

(Truth is, you’d realized your feelings for the stupid nerd a while ago, but you’re convinced he doesn’t feel the same. There’s definitely no way he’s _flirting_ with you. You’d notice that, wouldn’t you?)

Karkat’s eyebrows raise even farther, and the look he’s giving you is the very picture of disbelief. You give in with a groan, burying your face in your hands.

“It’s not like he fuckin’ reciprocates,” you admit quietly, words muffled by your hands.

“Eridan. He literally just called you hot, like thirty seconds ago.”

“He was bein’ sarcastic!” you insist defensively.

Kar laughs and claps a hand on your shoulder. “If you believe that, you’re blinder than Terezi.”

But before he can elaborate, the computer dick himself comes back. “So, did you find the treasure yet?” he teases.

“You’re the absolute worst,” you huff, cheeks still flushed. “Left or fuckin’ right?”

“Left. And you know, that really hurt my feelings.”

You struggle to hold back a hopeless groan as you go left. Karkat mutters something about “stupid good-for-nothing hacker douche.”

By this point, the passage is so small that you’re crawling on all fours. You wanna ask Sollux if you’re almost done with it, but you’ll probably just get a smartass answer in response. Luckily, you don’t have to ask. After one last turn, Sol comes in with, “Stop. To your left.” There’s nothing there but wall. “You’re gonna have to cut through it again.”

You scooch forward so Karkat can take out his laser cutter and make a square big enough to squeeze through. You pray there’s no one waiting on the other side.

It doesn’t take him long to cut an exit, and then he’s crawling through and you’re following him out, taking a deep breath of the cool, fresh air in the big open hallway. As you stand gratefully, you pull out your blaster and check the hallway, but no one else is around. Presumably, most of the crew is heading over to deal with Eq and Nep. Perfect.

Just ahead is the giant circular vault door. It requires a keycard, and there’s a keypad asking for a code.

Good thing you’ve got such an excellent hacker on your side.

“Sollux, have you figured out the code yet?” Karkat asks urgently as you continue to keep an eye out for any of Serket’s crew.

“I’ve narrowed it down to five possibilities, but that’s all I can do. Unfortunately, you only have three tries before it locks you out and alerts the captain.”

“Of fucking course,” Kar curses. “Well, I guess we’ve got a three out of five shot. Lemme hear ‘em.”

Sol gives him a string of eight numbers, which Karkat punches in. It flashes red, and Karkat lets out a curse. “Another.”

The second code is equally unsuccessful, and your heart starts to pound. “Isn’t there anythin’ else you can do?” you ask Sol, still looking around nervously. “If this one doesn’t work, we’re fucked.”

“This is the best I can do,” he snaps back. “Come on, KK. This one’ll do it.”

You actually hold your breath as Karkat punches the numbers in. And then you let it out in a hissed _yessss_ when the keypad flashes green and the door slides open.

“I can’t believe you doubted me, ED.”

“Oh, shut up.”

The vault is circular, and the walls are lined with stacks of crates and items of interest. But you’re not here for any old loot. The two of you begin digging through everything, opening all sorts of chests. Most are filled with empire currency. One has a particularly fancy-looking ring, which you gladly snatch. Others have seemingly meaningless junk, and you wonder why Serket keeps them in the vault.

Then Karkat yells, “Got it!” and you quickly scramble over to him, peering excitedly into the large chest like a child on 12th Perigree’s Eve. You can’t help but gasp as you reach for the absolutely gorgeous blue rifle.

“Ahab’s Crosshairs,” you whisper in disbelief, holding it reverently. It’s the most incredible thing you’ve ever seen, even better than you’d imagined. Fortunately it has a shoulder strap, so you tenderly lay the strap across your chest and let it rest on your back so you can keep digging through the chest with Kar.

While he’s geeking out over a sickle, you find a small box that contains eight shimmering blue dice. You’ve got no idea what they might do, but they definitely look special and powerful. Many other oddities fill the chest, each one beautiful in its own right. Some seem to be weapons, while others look more like jewels or trinkets or mysterious devices. You know you’ve hit the jackpot.

“One problem, Kar,” you say. “This chest is huge. There’s no way we can sneak it out through the secret passageway.”

“Already accounted for,” Sollux answers. “There’s a transportalizer nearby. If you two can get the chest there, we can teleport the chest, and you, back to the shuttle.”

“Sounds good,” Karkat nods. He shuts the chest and picks up one side, while you grab the other. It’s pretty heavy, but manageable. “Where to, Sollux?”

“Not so fast, booooooooys!”

Both of your heads whip over to the open doorway and you see her: Captain Vriska Serket herself, standing there and grinning wickedly at you.

“Fuck,” you curse, both dropping the chest and drawing your blasters. No, fuck that. You heft your gorgeous new rifle onto your shoulder and point that at her, instead.

“You boys have guts, trying to pull off a stunt like this. I have to admit, I’m impressed,” she cackles, stepping into the vault. She’s full of grace and confidence, and to be honest you can’t help but admire that a bit. A magnificent (yet unnecessary) longcoat trails behind her, paired with knee-high red boots. Her left arm is entirely robotic, and there’s an actual legitimate eyepatch where her left eye used to be. You refrain from rolling your eyes at that. Goddamn space pirate.

With her good hand, she draws--get this--a _sword,_ and you have to chuckle. “You’re jokin’, right?”

Then she slashes the air with it, and a sharp arc of blue laser energy shoots towards you. Karkat jumps to the left, and you barely drop to the ground in time to avoid it.

Oh. It’s that kind of sword.

Vriska laughs now and raises her robotic arm, pointing that at you as well, and without warning another blast of energy shoots out her palm, forcing you to roll to the side.

“I see how we’re gonna play,” you say, standing and hefting Ahab’s Crosshairs again. “Bring it on, spiderbitch.”

“Be careful ED,” Sollux warns in your ear. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

While her attention is on you, Karkat tries to stun her with his blaster, but she leaps nimbly out of the way and slashes her blade at him, making him jump aside again. “It’s cute that you two think you can best me,” she laughs. She’s one of the most feared captains in the ‘verse for a reason, but at least she’s too arrogant to call for backup. You definitely stand a chance.

Karkat tries again, and Vriska looks almost bored as she shoots a blast from her robotic hand at him before he can fire. He tries to dodge again, but it glances off his shoulder, sending him sprawling back into a bunch of chests. She grins, while you let out a cry of outrage and take aim at the bitch.

Before she can do anything else, you grit your teeth and pull the rifle’s trigger. The recoil is far stronger than you’d imagined, sending you stumbling backwards while the energy beam goes way over her head. “Ha!” Vriska shouts, but her triumph doesn’t last very long--the beam hits a crate which comes toppling down, forcing her to dive out of its way.

You seize this opportunity to lunge at her, landing on top of her and pinning her to the ground, making her drop the sword. “What are you doing?!” Sol shouts, but you ignore him. You’ve got her now.

Except you didn’t account for the strength of her robotic arm. One moment she’s laying defeated beneath you, and the next she’s flipping you over, pinning you down instead. Her good hand grabs the sword and presses it to your throat.

“What’s this?” she coos, smirking down at you. “The great Captain Vantas and his First Officer Ampora, defeated so easily? I must say, I’m disappointed. I’d expected so much more from you two. After all, you did make it this far...only to choke at the very end. So sad.”

“Think again.” Vriska looks up just as the blow from Karkat’s blaster knocks her away. You gasp in a deep breath and put a hand to your throat, blood pusher beating frantically. There’s a thin line of purple blood where the blade had begun to dig into your skin.

“Thanks Kar,” you say as you stand shakily. You pick up your new rifle from where it’d fallen and stand over the female captain. The diamond at the end rests directly over her blood pusher. “Any last words, Captain Serket?”

She stares up at you defiantly, still conscious but too weak to move. You’re about to pull the trigger when Karkat puts his hand on your arm and says no. “Leave her,” he insists. “Let’s just get out of here.”

You give in with a scowl, cursing his damn code of honor. “Fine,” you spit. But just to be sure, you turn the rifle around and smash the butt against her head, knocking her out.

“Sollux, where’s the transportalizer?” Karkat asks, more frantically this time, as you rest the rifle on your back again and both grab the chest.

“Down the hall to the left.” His voice is flat and clipped. You have a feeling he’s pissed.

The two of you hurry the hell outta there. After a while, Sollux directs you to the right, then the left again.

“It’s behind that door right there,” he says, “but hurry--you’re about to have company. Just don’t shoot the first two.”

You quickly swipe your keycard and the door slides open. A moment later, another big door opens--and Equius and Nepeta run through it, pursued by over a dozen crew members.

“I’ve recalibrated the transportalizer so it’ll lead you straight here. Come on!”

The two of you set the chest down on the circular pad, and it dematerializes immediately. “Hurry up, you two!” Karkat shouts, then practically shoves you onto the transportalizer. A blink later and you’re back in the cargo bay, right next to the shuttle.

Ten more seconds, and the other three are with you. “Let’s go,” Karkat barks, and Equius picks up the chest alone like it weighs nothing. You all hurry onto the ship and strap yourselves in as Sollux starts it up and pilots it the hell out of there.

Nepeta and Equius are both breathing heavily, and they look like they’d received more than their fair share of blows. And yet Nepeta is grinning, and Equius looks very satisfied. You look over at Karkat and chance a smile, but he shakes his head. “They’re gonna pursue us. We’ll celebrate when we’re safe.”

The ride back to your own ship is short but tense. Sollux hasn’t said a word, and everyone is practically holding their breath waiting to be chased down. But then you’re pulling back into The Threshecutioner, and you can breathe again, even if you’re still not totally safe.

“Equius, get that damned chest to our own vault, then head over to the sick bay and let Feferi check you out. Nepeta, Eridan, you too. Sollux, meet me on the main deck as soon as you can. We need to get moving.”

“I don’t need to see Fef, I’m fine!” you protest, following him off the shuttle. He spins around and gives you a look that says _don’t fuck with me right now._

“She had a sword to your throat, Eridan. Humor me, okay?” And then he’s off.

Nep and Eq pass you, and you sigh, figuring you should follow them. But before you can, you find yourself slammed up against the wall with a very angry Captor glaring at you.

“What the _fuck_ were you thinking back there?” he hisses.

“I…what?” you ask, blinking at him.

His face is frighteningly close to yours, eyes narrowed as he berates you. “You’re so goddamn _reckless,_ so eager to throw your life on the line with _stupid_ fucking stunts like that. It’s like you have no regard for your own safety. You scared the _shit_ out of me.”

You stare at him, wide-eyed and speechless, as it hits you all at once. He _cares_ about you.

“Well? Do you have anything to say for yourself?” he asks, but you don’t have any words.

So instead, you grab his face and press your lips to his.

He freezes, clearly not expecting that sort of reaction. You panic and wonder if maybe you misread everything.

“I’m sorry,” you say softly after pulling back a moment later. “I’m sorry for that. An’...I’m sorry for scarin’ you. I didn’t mean to.”

He stares at you for a second; it’s his turn to be shocked. Then he growls and pulls you back to him, kissing you desperately. Relief and warmth fills you as you kiss him back, and your ship could be under attack by a very angry space pirate at any minute, but you don’t even care because in this moment he’s kissing you and everything is okay.

“Goddamn, ED,” he curses against your lips. “You’re such a fucking idiot.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you understand the reference in the title I will love you forever.


End file.
